Every year I tell myself the same thing over and over.....I will not volunteer for so many things and over extend myself. I will sit back and let OTHER parents sign up for the things I have been doing the past several years. I will just say NO when asked to do this and that. Sounds easy, right? Not so much.
I THOUGHT (silly me) that this year was going to be different. I have gone back to work pretty much full time when you consider all of the different jobs I have and I told myself I just don't have the time to do everything I did last year or the years before. I decided that I would limit my time up at the school to once every other week and I would run copies for Karley's teacher. Period.
No such luck. Let me give you the lowdown. I was on schedule last week. I had gone up there to make copies for Mrs. Scott and when I was finished I was checking out of the office when the PTO people caught me. They need someone to fill the Auction Basket Coordinator Position at the Pancake feed. (SHOCKER!) Would I just co-chair it again? I had a million things run through my head at that moment as to why i should say no. No time, don't wanna, no money, no desire. NO NO NO. All of those could have come out of my mouth but what do i do? I said ummmm....i guess.
WHY DO I DO THIS? I got in the car and quickly changed my mind. I wanted out before I even got in. I came up with a couple of "other" parents that I could pawn it off on to--Newbies---those who haven't yet experienced the drama of Auction Baskets and I threw them under the bus. My job was done. I was out. WHEW.
Not so fast though. This morning I got a phone call that asked if I could meet up at the school to pick class baskets. Again.....a million reasons to say no. I passed the chore---er---obligation on, right? Not so much. You see, the volunteer(s) I suggested didn't show up. Now, it's back on me. SH*T!
I got to thinking that this is going to be the story of my life. I think that everyone just assumes that since I don't have a "traditional" work schedule I must have all the free time in the world. I know they have me figured out as that-lady-who-will-eventually-say-yes-to-EVERYTHING. Boo to that. But even I know it's true.
So, I went in today and helped assign baskets. I will take this volunteer job and swear it's my last one. Does anyone believe me? I don't even believe myself anymore. :)
As I was having my coffee this morning I came across this book. Then I found the article below. I swear she wrote this book just for me. Promise. The following article proves it. I am going to run out and buy this sometime in between going to the school and work today. I promise!
Author Lisa Quinn
Just when you think life will start getting easier now that the kids are occupied for six hours a day, you start to experience the hectic mornings; the homework; the carpools; the bake sales; the PTA obligations; and the embarrassment of begging your co-workers to buy chocolate bars they do not want (no matter how much they like you or your kids.)
Guess what, Mom friends: We’re allowed to say no occasionally and still be a good mom.
Case in point: I work out of my home, which causes a lot of people to assume I don’t really work. I find myself inundated with requests for afterschool babysitting (“just on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays!”), teacher’s helper duties, and free design services.
For years, I found it difficult to respond with a simple no. I would delay an answer, or squirm while giving a weak one. It can feel awkward, selfish, or even aggressive to deny people help—especially in regard to children’s needs.
One evening, while I was hanging a complicated shelving system in the faculty lounge, it dawned on me that I could be a better mom by actually being WITH my kids instead of performing endless tasks ON THEIR BEHALF. I started saying no—a lot. And let me tell you: it became intoxicating after a while.
It’s all about getting your priorities straight and learning how to effectively help those around you without losing yourself in the process. Think about what you are modeling to your children when you are always complicit. You’re saying that other people’s needs are more important than your own; that you have to slave away to prove yourself; that Mom is too busy to play.
How to get out of saying yes
•Make sure you understand exactly what is being asked of you before you immediately scream out, “OF COURSE I WILL!!” Take a moment to think it through. Breathe before you answer. You may be signing up for more than you bargained for.
•Realize your limitations. Set up a date calendar and make sure to schedule unstructured, free time for yourself. Don’t over-schedule into your free time.
•Remember that you have a right to say no. You’ll get taken for granted and even lose respect if you’re always complicit.
•Keep your answer short. Lengthy justifications just make it seem like you’re lying. A drawn out response might also give you time to start feeling guilty and say “yes”—especially if you are lying.
•Be kind, but firm when you say no. Wishy-washy responses build false hope. If you’re not going to make it to the fundraiser, say so. People may be depending on you.
•Provide an alternative if you can. Maybe postpone for a week, or refer them to someone who can really help.
•Never offer up a service you don’t want to provide in the first place. I used to do this all the time. I would offer before the person would even ask. This heinous act of self-sabotage usually happens right at the end of a phone call. You’re trying to say goodbye, when you suddenly blurt out, “Well, hey, listen, if you don’t find anyone to help, call me back.” NO! Don’t tell them that! They’ll just call you back!
For God’s sake, don’t succumb to your own pressure.
When someone becomes persistent, repeat your position, perhaps in a slightly different way. If they are still persistent, they are not listening. This is THEIR problem, not yours.
When in doubt, make “no” the default. Remember, it’s easier to turn a “no” into a “yes” than the other way around.
When you have to say yes
Sometimes, for whatever reason, saying no is just not an option.
•Avoid open-ended or ongoing commitments. Put a condition on your agreement. For instance, say, “I can help you with your project, but I’m going need everything from you by tomorrow at 3 p.m. or I won’t be able to help again until after the Christmas break. It’s so easy to get railroaded if you don’t define exactly what you are willing to do. You will save yourself a lot of drama if you state a beginning, and an end, to your obligation from the start.
•And finally: Commit Fully To Your Yes. When you have said yes, commit fully, be cheerful about it, and go about the task with all the pleasure you can muster with no resentment. No one likes a baby. If you have given a half-assed yes and now you’re acting out that way, you are being passive-aggressive and not only pissing off yourself but everyone around you.
Author Lisa Quinn
Just when you think life will start getting easier now that the kids are occupied for six hours a day, you start to experience the hectic mornings; the homework; the carpools; the bake sales; the PTA obligations; and the embarrassment of begging your co-workers to buy chocolate bars they do not want (no matter how much they like you or your kids.)
Guess what, Mom friends: We’re allowed to say no occasionally and still be a good mom.
Case in point: I work out of my home, which causes a lot of people to assume I don’t really work. I find myself inundated with requests for afterschool babysitting (“just on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays!”), teacher’s helper duties, and free design services.
For years, I found it difficult to respond with a simple no. I would delay an answer, or squirm while giving a weak one. It can feel awkward, selfish, or even aggressive to deny people help—especially in regard to children’s needs.
One evening, while I was hanging a complicated shelving system in the faculty lounge, it dawned on me that I could be a better mom by actually being WITH my kids instead of performing endless tasks ON THEIR BEHALF. I started saying no—a lot. And let me tell you: it became intoxicating after a while.
It’s all about getting your priorities straight and learning how to effectively help those around you without losing yourself in the process. Think about what you are modeling to your children when you are always complicit. You’re saying that other people’s needs are more important than your own; that you have to slave away to prove yourself; that Mom is too busy to play.
How to get out of saying yes
•Make sure you understand exactly what is being asked of you before you immediately scream out, “OF COURSE I WILL!!” Take a moment to think it through. Breathe before you answer. You may be signing up for more than you bargained for.
•Realize your limitations. Set up a date calendar and make sure to schedule unstructured, free time for yourself. Don’t over-schedule into your free time.
•Remember that you have a right to say no. You’ll get taken for granted and even lose respect if you’re always complicit.
•Keep your answer short. Lengthy justifications just make it seem like you’re lying. A drawn out response might also give you time to start feeling guilty and say “yes”—especially if you are lying.
•Be kind, but firm when you say no. Wishy-washy responses build false hope. If you’re not going to make it to the fundraiser, say so. People may be depending on you.
•Provide an alternative if you can. Maybe postpone for a week, or refer them to someone who can really help.
•Never offer up a service you don’t want to provide in the first place. I used to do this all the time. I would offer before the person would even ask. This heinous act of self-sabotage usually happens right at the end of a phone call. You’re trying to say goodbye, when you suddenly blurt out, “Well, hey, listen, if you don’t find anyone to help, call me back.” NO! Don’t tell them that! They’ll just call you back!
For God’s sake, don’t succumb to your own pressure.
When someone becomes persistent, repeat your position, perhaps in a slightly different way. If they are still persistent, they are not listening. This is THEIR problem, not yours.
When in doubt, make “no” the default. Remember, it’s easier to turn a “no” into a “yes” than the other way around.
When you have to say yes
Sometimes, for whatever reason, saying no is just not an option.
•Avoid open-ended or ongoing commitments. Put a condition on your agreement. For instance, say, “I can help you with your project, but I’m going need everything from you by tomorrow at 3 p.m. or I won’t be able to help again until after the Christmas break. It’s so easy to get railroaded if you don’t define exactly what you are willing to do. You will save yourself a lot of drama if you state a beginning, and an end, to your obligation from the start.
•And finally: Commit Fully To Your Yes. When you have said yes, commit fully, be cheerful about it, and go about the task with all the pleasure you can muster with no resentment. No one likes a baby. If you have given a half-assed yes and now you’re acting out that way, you are being passive-aggressive and not only pissing off yourself but everyone around you.
Disclosure: Amazon affiliate link used in post.
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